Again u and Always u....

My dearest Tina,

I cannot believe you are 18 years old today. You, my miracle baby that was a surprise and blessing to all of us. You were such a little fighter in the womb. They told us to prepare to lose after they found some infection in my blood. But you had a mind of your own and knew that you had a place in this world. You fought. You began to grow and you came to us two weeks early. You were such a gentle birth. (And you even forgave me for after your entered the world.), you were not even 2 kg. you amazed everyone with small face. It was so hard for me to keep you in my hands. You just snuggled in with your grandparents, aunts as if you had always been a part of us.

Sorry for not being there when you open your eyes to world, after hard operation I was unconscious till late at night, I was not well even when I opened my eyes, I wan not the one who suppose to see you, always regret. I just remembered when I opened my eyes late at night saw my mum near me and immediately asked about you, I didn't even know you are a boy or girl! But something inside me knows you should be a girl and you were! lucky and proud to have a girl, something similar to me.

The week I was in the hospital with you, I changes all rules about having baby in the mum's room, oh sweaty you were so small and weak they scared to bring you in my room and I was so thirsty to have you in my hands. I talked to my Dr, I had my private room why shouldn't they brought you in then he changed the policy for me (he has got half share of the hospital), I had you for while then you have to go back to machine that kept you from any diseases. I think you were the prize for all my pains.

You are the dream daughter I never thought I would have. You're the continuation of generations of women who love to live, laugh and love. You may be Daddy's little girl, but you and I have a bond that is unbreakable and unshakable. When you look into my eyes I wonder how in the world one person can love and trust me so much. I want to be the Mom you see when you look at me that way. In you I see my future and my past. I see all the wonderful things ahead of you. In our relationship, I see the full circle love that I had with my own Mom and it makes me eternally grateful that you are my daughter.

My girl,

I have watched you grow from a colicky baby to a fun loving toddler to the amazing first grader you are today. Every step of the way I have cherished you and your life. The gift that you are to this entire family. You rescued me from myself. I know you were sent here to do so many things in this world. Rescuing me was one of your greatest. And you are only 18!

With you, I learned how to slow down and enjoy motherhood with more ease. I learned to worry less about "should do's" and live more in the moment. With you, I learned how to let it go when I was done. With you, I realized I want to be the person you see when you look into my eyes.

Today, as you turn 18, I wouldn't be anywhere else in the world...except with you. Maybe we are not seeing each other more than before but you should know I am always here for you; my soul is near you all the time. If you are going to different way you should know I am here for you. You can count on me in any help till I am alive, doesn’t matter where I am.

I love you more than you know. And remember our pinkie promise: Best friends-- even while you are a young lady. (I am holding you to that.)

Happy Birthday, my sweet, sweet girl.

Love,

Tina's 18 B' Day!

A special little lady in my life turns 18 years old today.

I want to tell her lots of things.

How proud I am of her.

How special she is.

How she has blossomed into a beautiful and elegant young woman.

I want to explain to her that it's tough being 18.

That the others in the neighborhood can sometimes be cruel,

that she needs to keep her head up and walk proud and respect herself,

and have enough confidence and wisdom to respect the choices she makes.

I want to tell her that it's OK to make mistakes.

That we learn from mistakes.

That mistakes can make us better people.

And if we live life afraid of being wrong,

or making a mistake, that we never grow.

I want to tell her about how hard it's been being a working single mother,

but because it's been worth every single second,

I won't.

I want to tell her all about how in life,

there are always choices,

and that it is these choices that define us,

that build our character,

that make us who we are.

I want to tell her how much she means to me,

and how I love her.

And, as a very special birthday present today,

I'm also going to change her litter box.

فنای خویش

درشبی پراز ارزو خویش رافنا میکنم

خود را فنا میکنم تا تو را باز یابم

همچون ققنوس تنهایی اشیانه بی کسی خویش را به اتش می کشم

بر بام اشیانه دور را مینگرم. شاید در دور دست خیال تورا باز یابم

چقدر دور است راهی که به تو می انجامد

در فراغ حضورت چله ای از تنهایی برای خویش میگیرم و اغاز شب را به تماشا مینشینم

تنها چیزی که از تو به یادگار دارم لبخندی پراز ابهام

لبخدی که بر لوح خاطراتم نقش بسته وعشق تو که بر سنگ تراشه های وجودم هک شده .

در فراغ حضورت شمعی روشن خواهم کرد وارزوهایم را همچون پروانه ای فنا خواهم کرد

با اشک تنهایی دردفتر غم تصویری از تو بی عدالت تو خواهم کشید

غم مرا در اغوش بگیر که دیگر تنها تر از تنها شدم

در شعله خشم بی کسی میسوزم تا خاکستری از خاطرات برجای بماند

خاکسترخاطراتم را در تابوتی از خیال گزاشته وبه سیلاب غم بسپارید

تا دیگر اثری از هجوم خیالم باقی نماند

Where I End And You Begin

کودک که بودم خانه‌مان ساده بود

معلمی داشتم که مرا خیلی دوست می‌داشت

روان‌شناس بود و من برایش آینه‌ی دوران کودکیش

روزی که برای شام به خانه‌مان مهمان آمد به من گفت تو هم دیگر بزرگ شده‌ای

به من گفت شاید وقت آن است که بیشتر در واقعیت زندگی کنی ..

و شاید کمتر در رویا ..

سال‌ها گذشت

گذشت و گذشت و من هر بار که به عقب نگاه کردم

گمان بردم بزرگ و بزرگ‌تر شده ام

ولی ههچ‌وقت آنقدر بزرگ نشده بودم که معلم دوران کودکیم گمان میبرد

رویاهایم عوض شدند و عمیق‌تر

گاه پیچیده‌تر و گاه ساده تر

هیچ‌وقت نفهمیدم تو کی وارد شدی

شاید برای اینکه تو تنها کسی بودی که از واقعیت بریدمت و گذاشتمت آن تو

شاید برای آنکه آنقدر واقعی شده بودی

که نفهمیدم با تو فقط در رویاهایم زندگی میکنم

و فقط آن‌جاست که با هم حرف میزنم و من نگاهت میکنم

تو ساده بودی، کم کم ساده ترین رویای من شدی

آنقدر پاک و ساده که گیج میشدم

غریب بودم از تو ..

ترسیدم از تو ..

ولی رد پایت محکم تر از هر خط دیگری بود.

گفته بودم نه؟

پیچیده‌ترین رویای من بودی ..

همه‌اش از سادگی آدم‌ها هنور هر روز بزرگ و بزرگ‌تر میشوند

دنیا هر روز کوچک و کوچک تر

از خواب که بیدار شدم فهمیدم اتفاقی افتاده‌

هر بار که خوابت را دیدم می‌دانستم اتفاقی افتاده

اتفاق برای رخ دادن است ..

و کودک‌ها برای بزرگ شدن ..

و قد کشیدن

احساس پیری که میکنم دلم میخواهد دخترم را روی زانو‌هایم بنشانم

نگاهش کنم

دستی به موهایش بکشم و بگویم تا بداند ..

« شاید هیچ چیز سخت‌تر و تلخ‌تر از از دست دادن یک رویا نباشد .. »

تو رویای من بودی

من همیشه کودکت می‌مانم. قول .. از دنیا .. تا دنیا ..

گریه

تو می گریی

چشمانت وسعت باران را در می یابد


و شکوه فراموشی خاطره را


در غربت نگاه تو


با باد هماغوش می شوم


دستم را در دستانت می گذارم


نفسم را به نفسهایت می بخشم


و اشکهایم را با چشمانت قسمت می کنم


آرام می گیرم

در آغوشت


و تو با معصومیت نوزادی بی پناه


مرا به لذت عشق نزدیک می کنی


از تو می خواهم که بمانی


لبخند می زنی


بی صدا و در سکوت


و به آسمان می نگری


بی کلام و اشک در چشمانت


و من نا باورانه


با اشتیاقی که فرازش را نمی دانم


خیره می شوم به مهتاب


و تو از من دور می شوی


دورتر و دورتر


و من در سکوت در می یابم که چه قدر تنهایم

پرواز

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